The door of the spacecraft hissed open, and the space marine stepped out. Despite the Earth-style gravity of the terraformed planet he walked onto, he moved slowly – he was encumbered with his protective travel/battle armour, anti-riot laser blade pak and, of course, the black box.
His masters were as eager as ever, and were already awaiting him at the landing bay.
“Your package, sirs.” The CommLight on his helmet flickered as the space marine spoke.
“Is excellent, Graham.” The green blob in front of him took the black box in what could only be described as tentacles disguised as arms, and turned to insert it into a slot in the metallic wall behind him. “You may take refreshment in the Human Bay before returnal to your homebase.”
“Thank you, Lord Kzzwock.” The marine turned and headed towards the Lavatory Units, where he spent several minutes.
When the marine had departed, the lifeless wall started to hum. Two eyes, like glowing red letterboxes, opened, and they flared, bright like fire, when the wall spoke. And the wall did speak.
“DEFINE THE PACKAGE, KZZWOCK.”
“Is Son of Rambow DVD.”
“SON OF RAMBO?”
“No, is Son of Rambow. Double-ewe is for legal reasons. No-no Sylvester Stallion.”
“PRINT IMAGE.”
“VISUAL RECOGNITION IDENTIFIES PRODUCT AS CHEAP CASH-IN STROKE KNOCK OFF. SEE: SON OF THE MASK. SEE: AMERICAN PIE BAND CAMP.”
“No, is ironic. Is set in Nineteen Eighties England. Is based on chiddleren. Suggest you run a plot summary report.”
“REPORT ACCESS DENIED. LIST CAST.”
“Is stars Bill Milner and Will Poulter.”
“NAMES NOT RECOGNISED.”
“Theys chiddleren actors! Theys not do much before.”
“WERE THEY IN HARRY THE POTTER?”
“No, I don’t think they is…”
“THE WALL CARES ONLY FOR HARRY THE POTTER CHIDDLEREN!”
“Oh. Well. They is in Harry the Potter the Chamber of Secrets. Bill Milner plays the Chamber. Will Poulter, the secrets.”
“GOOD. EXPAND THE CAST LIST.”
“Is stars in additional Jessica Stevenson, of Spaced and Learners fame, Jules Sitruk in his English cinema debut, Anna Wing, who played Lou in EastEnders, Neil Dudgeon, Adam Godley and with cameo from Eric Sykes, who plays a crazy old man.”
“VERY WELL. YOU MAY RUN YOUR PLOT SUMMARY REPORT.”
A noise, not unlike the noise of a mechanical elephant trumpetting the arrival of the young, sounded from somewhere deep inside the Wall’s consciousness. He was silent for a moment, while trees grew in galaxies too far away.
“PLOT SUMMARY REPORT GENERATED. PRINTING.”
From a small slot at the base of the wall, Kzzwock removed a slip of generated paper. He read it aloud.
“Is says… ‘Delivered by the Earthlings that brought us the Hitchhikers’ Guide To The Galaxy movie and Blur’s Coffee and TV music video…”
“WAS THAT THE ONE WITH THE MILK?”
“Yes, is with milk that waves. Ahem. ‘Son of Rambow is a spirited comedy based on the lives of two troubled youths in…”
“KEYWORDS: TROUBLED YOUTHS. SEE: KIDULTHOOD, MENACE 2 SOCIETY.”
“Is more like little primary schools chiddleren, like the ones from my nightmares.”
“OH. HA HA HA. READ ON.”
“Two troubled youths in early ‘80’s England. Will (Bill Milner) is the creatively-repressed son of a zealous religious family. Lee (Will Poulter) lives with his elder brother, who pays him no mind, and is left to his own destructive devices. When Lee decides to use his brother’s video equipment to make his own feature film, he tricks the naïve and gullible Will into helping him. When Will, who has never been allowed to watch television, watches a bootleg copy of First Blood, he falls in love with the explosive world of Rambo and develops his own version of the film – Son of Rambow. The enthusiastic project, starring a flying dog and an evil scarecrow, brings the two children together, and they struggle with the film’s, and their own, sudden popularity with the ‘cool kids’ such as French exchange student Didier, while trying to keep the whole project a secret from Will’s family.”
“HMM. THIS HARDLY ACTIVATES MY EXCITEMENT PANELS. SCANNING DISK…”
Three loud beeps, each progressively sharper in pitch. Then, in silence, the wall browsed through the disc’s contents; the interviews with the child stars and Jessica Stevenson, the low budget short film involving a small child with a briefcase full of Monopoly money, the Making of… Documentary, and standard commentary and trailer. And, of course, the 91 minute film.
“THE WALL FINDS THIS TO BE A ENTERTAINING, SINCERE COMEDY THAT WILL GET A LOT OF LAUGHS FROM A MATURE AUDIENCE DUE TO ITS SUBDUED, DEADPAN NATURE AND NOSTALGIC REFERENCES. THE CAST PROVIDE A CONSISTENTLY HIGH QUALITY PERFORMANCE, ALTHOUGH POULTER’S IRRITATINGLY CHIRPY COCKNEY ACCENT DOES GRATE. SITRUK PROVIDES A HILARIOUS PERFORMANCE AS THE SUPER-COOL EXCHANGE STUDENT WHO APPEARS AS A GOD TO THE CHARACTERS BUT AS A FOOL TO THE VIEWER.”
“I imagine that the majority of the humour is originate from the amateur production of chiddlerens’ movie?”
“YES, INDEED. THE FLYING DOG IS HILARIOUS, AS IS ERIC SYKES DRESSED AS RAMBO. HOWEVER, AS MUCH AS THE WALL DID LAUGH INTERNALLY ON NUMEROUS OCCASSIONS, IT IS ALSO A FAIRLY EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE, WITH MANY THEMES OF FAMILY LOVE BEING COVERED AND EXPLORED.”
“Is hard to manage genuine emotion and comedy in same script?”
“AFFIRMATIVE. BUT IT IS ACHIEVED. THE SIMPLE, YET SOMEWHAT HAPHAZARD, STORYLINE MIGHT IRRITATE SOME HOWEVER, AND DO NOT WATCH THIS IF YOU FIND IT DIFFICULT TO STAY AWAKE.”
“Why is?”
“BECAUSE IT MIGHT MAKE YOU SLEEP. IT IS VERY LAID BACK, AND HARDLY EXCITING TO OBSERVE.”
“And the extras?”
“PASSABLE. ADD VERY LITTLE.”
“So, what is your final verdict?”
“A SUBTLE, BIZARRE COMEDY WHICH WILL APPEAL TO THOSE WHO WERE RAISED IN THE EIGHTIES, OR TO THOSE WHO ARE INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO NOT LET THAT GET IN THE WAY. SOME REWATCH VALUE, BUT IT WILL NOT KEEP YOU HOOKED.”
Kzzwock punched the air in celebration with his fist-tentacle – a ritual he had observed from watching Earth television – and then checked himself. Even though the wall did not have eyes and therefore could not see his mild victory dance, it felt unintelligent to conduct it anyway. The wall could sense many things, so Kzzwock did not want to push his luck.
“VERY WELL. THE HUMANS HAVE EARNED THEMSELVES BRIEF REPRIEVE. THE EARTH IS SAVED THIS WEEK. I SHALL NOT DESTROY THEM WITH MY DESTRUC-O-BOMB. BE GONE, KZZWOCK, FOR I NEED TO URINATE.”