There’s retro. Then there’s retro. Then, there’s RETRO, and that’s exactly where Retro Atari Classics is taking us. Selecting ten arcade games from the days of knobbly joysticks with one red button each and dot matrix printers on sale for £495.95, this DS collection attempts to deconstruct and rebuild them, opening them up to a whole new, portable audience.
It’s worth bearing in mind that the games presented here are not ports of the original games, but rather redesigned versions suited for the unique capabilities of Nintendo’s twin-screened wonder. Not only are there loyal versions available, which retain the original basic graphics and sounds, but in an attempt to make the thing a whole lot more ‘street’, each game has a ‘remix’ version which swaps out the plain whites of the original sprites with the artwork of some of New York, New York's finest graffiti artists.
Before we begin playing, let me just take this opportunity to point out that this review is based on my experiences with the adaptations of the games included on this game cart, and not the classic versions from the Atari 2600 days. I loved Breakout when I was a kid, but don’t get shirty with me if I give it a lame write-up here – we have to look at how the DS can house these titles, and what Retro Atari Classics does for them. In addition, I just want to say that I will not be exploring the remixes too much – I find them amateur and ugly, and thus completely unnecessary. Only the sprites have been affected, so there are no changes to gameplay to mention. Just garish blobs. Stick to the Retro versions – please.
A S T E R O I D S
Asteroids sees a hapless spacecraft stuck in a never-ending asteroid storm. The game is played out on the top screen, with the bottom screen dedicated to controls… although you might prefer to use the D-pad on this one. Your only hope for survival is to blast the rocks apart, but be careful, the bigger rocks will break off into smaller rocks, and they’re just as dangerous.
Bonus points are earned by blasting UFOs, which somehow have no trouble navigating the asteroids. I guess they’ve got better technology than us. Sat Nav, Anti-Asteroid Shields. I’m kind of glad we haven’t got Anti-Asteroid Shields, otherwise the entire Asteroids experience would just be two pilots in the cockpit playing Eye Spy. I spy something beginning with ‘A’…
B R E A K O U T
You’re a paddle. There are some bricks on the top screen. Your job is to break them all. Quite why, I’m not sure, but this is still an excellent time-waster and remains surprisingly difficult.
This version of Breakout is only let down by the fact that the synchronisation between top screen and bottom seems a little off, so the ball doesn’t seem to travel in a straight line. Still, by allowing you to drag the paddle into position using the stylus, this makes for a tasty version of the most anti-brick game ever made.
C E N T I P E D E
I never understood Centipede, with its perpetually growing mushrooms and weird medusa-looking scorpion things. Basically, a rather odd version of Space Invaders, where you must shoot down an approaching centipede while fending off the killer spiders that seem to be on his payroll. Not exactly riveting, and feels nothing like the original. That was boring too though.
G R A V I T A R
In these old games, the forces of nature seem to be a very popular feature (momentum was especially hot in 1982), and most games made an attempt to be as realistic as possible, despite the twig-like nature of the graphics. Gravitar followed this trend. Once again, the protagonist is a spacecraft that has to shoot at things, only this time gravity is your worst enemy, dragging you into deadly stars and the even deadlier floor. About as enjoyable as trying to pry two magnets apart. With your nose.
L U N A R L A N D E R
Can you land a lunar module? Well, can you? Do you care? No. If you really want to pretend to land a frustratingly unresponsive module incredibly slowly after failing a million times, then Lunar Lander might be for you. No, actually, go and find Thrust instead.
M I S S I L E C O M M A N D
Missiles are falling from the sky, and your job is to blast them back again before they destroy your cities. This is adapted brilliantly well to the DS, allowing you to tap the touchscreen to launch your counter attacks, allow the pace may be a little punishing for some. This game not only stands out for its timeless quality and the improvements that have been made by adding use of the stylus, but also, it’s the only game here where the remix version looks better than the original. Although the stupid square faces that glide across the screen are lame. A good game, and well presented.
P O N G
Oh look, Pong. Electronic table tennis. This is probably the most basic thing you could ever play. Original rules apply – you play until one person earns 11 points, and then it’s game over. No winner is announced. No scores are earned. Nothing. Not bad, but this version is sluggish and the switch from horizontal to vertical play makes it feel unnatural and tricky.
S P R I N T
If you ignore the fact that the touchscreen controls applied here make the game impossible to play (steer the wheel with the stylus while holding a button to accelerate? Whatever!), this is a top notch game that I missed out on the first time. You drive a “car” (looks more like a beefed up ant, but what the hell, I ain’t Gerald Ford) around a mixture of tracks. It’s top-down, so don’t expect any Gran Turismo style realism. Heck, don’t expect realism. If you make it around the track enough times without driving into oil spills, walls or competitive vehicles, you can earn enough points to buy yourself more time, thus improving your rank. This is an inexplicably enjoyable little gem that is punishing, harsh, but ultimately as addictive as a donkey covered in sugar. Just remember to use the buttons. On the game, that is, and not the donkey.
T E M P E S T
What on Earth is this? I appear to be playing as some sort of radioactive Quaver, surfing outside a spider web, which seems to be full of red squiggles that are trying to kill me. I can shoot them and sometimes it works, but most of the time I’m speeding around the web, unsure whether they’re chasing me or if I should be chasing them. Occassionally everything disappears and then comes back again. I think I’ll come back to this one later. Or maybe never again.
W A R L O R D S
Easily the highlight of the collection. You play the role of a warlord who hides behind a fort. There are three just like you, so there’s a castle in each corner of the screen. Before the game begins, a naughty little dragon flies along and breathes out a fireball. This is some sort of magical fireball that never stops bouncing, so it will bounce back and forth between you and your enemies. Your job is to protect the fort with your shield, and rebound the flames back to your foes. Things get dangerous when your walls are worn down and one well-timed hit can eliminate you from the game. Last one standing wins.
A great game, demanding patience and good timing from the player, and a decent balance between luck, strategy and talent. Again, though, you’ll need to avoid the touchscreen controls – they add nothing.
The overall quality of the games is half and half, with a few gems shining out from the pool of crud. What loses Retro Atari Classics some points is the sheer laziness that oozes out from it. That’s LAZY in capital letters. Most obviously, there’s the clunky interface. Secondly, the lazy remixes, which could have added so much to the gameplay but instead look like someone puked on the art program. Then there’s the fact that we know that these games are tiny and even a DS cart could have easily carried double the amount supplied. Also, that you can only play multiplayer with someone who also owns the game is equally confounding – these games are mere kilobytes big, so why can’t we have some single card download play?
My main problem though is with the missed opportunities. I wanted more games. Why isn’t Adventure here? Or Circus Atari? Imagine what could have been done with Adventure if they had crafted some decent hip-hop style graphics to modernise the experience? Instead, the package seems unfinished, or rushed, or worse, budget. I can’t slag it off too much though, as the diamonds that are Warlords, Sprint, Breakout and Asteroids are excellently presented and still a lot of fun today. They’re worth owning, but perhaps you can find them somewhere else