On paper, the Guilty Gear series is a recipe concocted by Heaven’s top executive chefs – a 2D beat ‘em up with outrageously flamboyant graphics, a massive amount of action and a unique visual style fusing ultra-hip anime with heavy metal chic. If we forget the crackerjack plot with its apocalyptic wars and giant robots (just pretend it’s Street Fighter II with better dressed fighters), Guilty Gear’s PlayStation incarnations were an electric smack about the chops. It was weird, erratic, difficult and explosive, but so wacky and fun that it easily stood up as one of the top 2D fighters available.

Now it’s been shrunk down to portable size, the gameplay has undergone some changes. Based on the PS2’s Guilty Gear Isuka, Dust Strikers places the emphasis on four player battles, stretching the arena over both DS screens. There is an impressive character roster, ranking in at 21 names. These include Sol Badguy, an aloof bounty hunter with a passion for Queen’s music; Ky Kiske, a chivalrous knight of God; May, a chirpy air pirate wielding a massive anchor and, my personal favourite, Axl Low – a Union Flag wearing time-travelling rocker. Most interestingly, the line-up includes Robo-Ky, a programmable android who we will look at later.

The bulk of the game is the Story Mode, in which you pick a character and follow him or her through a series of four-way fights, eventually going up against the monstrous Gig. The reason why I was so flippant about the plot earlier is because of how the Story Mode is dealt with. Each battle begins with a little conference between the four warriors, and they all speak so much rubbish that it’s impossible to pick up on the premise behind their beef with each other. Seriously, one character will be shown to say something like "Hey! What’s that?" and someone else will pop up with "Don’t you know a lady is present? Don’t be rude!". Then someone else will say something about needing some sleep and then someone else will drop by with a "I agree. I know everything!" It’s patent gibberish, and a pretty feeble attempt to shoehorn a story into a sequence of battle royales.

Slightly more enjoyable is the Arcade Mode, which gives up on any pretensions and presents a simple tournament-style beat ‘em up experience. Sadly, whichever of these modes you opt for, you’re in for a rough ride. Graphically, the sprites are embarrassingly small. Most fights look like a bunch of leprechaun gremlins have taken over both of your screens, and you’ll have very little control over their actions. With so many enemies in the game at once, it turns into a button-bashing exercise as you try to fend off everyone’s attacks while struggling to beat them all down before the time runs out. What was once a brilliant, edgy combat game has now been reduced into a flawed and woefully inadequate 8-bit version of Super Smash Brothers.

Some brief relief comes in the form of Robo-Ky and his attached mini-game parlour. Robo-Ky is a robotic version of Ky Kiske (see what they did there?) who can be programmed by you, the player, with your favourite special moves. However, the best moves have to be unlocked, and that’s where the six mini- games come into play.

Each one is based on one of the playable characters, and presents super-deformed or comical depictions of them. There’s Venom’s Billiards (a half-assed pool simulator which isn’t bad for a quick fumble), a Whack-the-Mole style screen-tapping jolly with Dr. Faust, a Yo-Yo scrubbing game (I kid you not) and a balance game where you take control of female character Jam in a reflex-based ‘catching’ game strangely similar to a non-pornographic version of everyone’s favourite adult retro title, Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em. Success in these unlocks additions to Robo-Ky’s move set, and there’s some fun to be had from trying to hit high scores.

Quite simply, what we have here is an unenjoyable single player experience with two minor benefits. One: The mini-games are cool. Two: It’s probably the only 2D fighter available for Nintendo’s smallest system. The whole experience is a lot like drinking flat Coke – there’s no fizz, it tastes a little bitter and watery, but if you’re thirsty, it’ll do. To get any excitement out of Guilty Gear Dust Strikers, you need some friends. But even when you’re playing multiplayer, having four fighters is too much, so what does Dust Strikers really offer to anyone?