Everyone loves Mario. Most people love Luigi. Many are aware of Wario and I’m sure I once met a guy who likes Waluigi. These guys have sold millions of games, but they’re always letting their actions speak for them. Mario hasn’t accepted an interview from the press since he was forced to publicly apologise for Donkey Kong 2 back in the Eighties. The anti-journo wall their agents have erected is impenetrable, but here at Digital Lard, we will stop at nothing to bring you hot, exciting, funky-fresh new material. Exclusive stuff.
That’s why we went to an old peoples’ home and interviewed Mario’s grandparents, Dotty and Granville Mario, about the new Mario Party game.
Digital Lard: Dotty and Granville, thank you for fitting us into your busy schedules. What can you tell us about the history of the Mario Party series?
Dotty: Well-a, mia little bambino Mario, all the time-a he come up with the ideas about how-a he can make-a the money off his famous name, and when-a he was a baby boy, we used to play a lot of the board games at the summer house. He was very good at the Mouse Trap. Out of the blue one day, my Mario, he calls me on the telephone and he say ‘Nonna,’ he say, because that’s Italian for ‘grandmother’, ‘I wanna make-a the video game about a board game, where me-a and my friends battle it out on a giant board, playing a variety of mini-games to help win points off of each other.’ That’s exactly what he say to me.
Granville: Dotty, you stupid old trout, the man don’t wanna hear your dumb old stories about the kid. He wanna hear about the game, ya know?
Digital Lard: No, really, it’s fine. Anything you could possibly tell us about Mario’s personal life would be great.
Granville: Hey, I’m talkin’ here!
Digital Lard: Oh right, I get it. She’s supposed to be Italian and you’re supposed to be from New York. Right. You know, it’s really not necessary to have the accents. I’m going to be writing it all down anyway.
Dotty: This is my genuine-ah accent-ah.
Digital Lard: You’ve got an English-To-Italian dictionary in your hands.
Dotty: This is so-ah I can understand-ah you-ah.
Digital Lard: You have it open on the ‘Putting ‘A’ At The End of Everything’ page.
Dotty: Ah… balls… ah.
Digital Lard: Right. So… Mario Party 8?
Granville: Mario Party 8 is the eighth in the semi-popular board game series starring Mario and his friends. It combines board game style gameplay with dozens of ini-games. As the first version of the game to appear on the Wii, Party 8 utilises the unique properties of the Wii Remote in the mini-games, making them more varied than ever before. There… that better?
Digital Lard: Much. I couldn’t have written it better myself.
Granville: No.
Digital Lard: Hmm. What can you tell us about the boards, then?
Dotty: Oh, the boards are magical, my dear. So much better than before. You see, while the old games had simple boards that just had the players roaming around, heading towards the squares that could give them stars, all of the boards in Mario Party 8 have individual features that add a much-needed element of strategy to the proceedings!
Digital Lard: Like what?
Dotty: Well, Koopa’s Tycoon Town is a lot like Monopoly. The players have to target hotels and buy them out, then they enter into bidding wars with their opponents. The beach and train stages are races to the end, the haunted house stage requires players to carefully plan their moves and watch the actions of others, and the hidden stage at the end is an all-out fight for stars!
Granville: Hark at you, crazy old bat! Anyone would think you’re married to the game. Sure, it’s nice to have new boards, but there are still the same old problems here. Too much of the board game is based on luck, and the computer player still performs as if it’s all heavily biased in his favour.
Digital Lard: I’m glad you mentioned that, actually. Mario Party has received a lot of slack in the past for the single player mode being comparable to walking through a pit of acid-coated crabs with shards of glass in their mouths.
Dotty: Oh, but it’s a lot more fun than that, darling! The single player mode has been streamlined, and is now a series of one-on-one, mission-based competitions, rather than the lengthy, agonising marathon games of the past.
Granville: Yeah. She might not look it, but she’s talking sense. I approve of the new style of one-player game. Unfortunately, seeing as there are only three things to unlock, there’s not much point in playing it. It’s not that much fun.
Digital Lard: So it’s still all about the multiplayer?
Dotty: Indeed, deary. Get some friends around and four Wii Remotes and this is a great multiplayer experience. Do you have friends, dear?
Digital Lard: Uh… Yes.
Dotty: Then you can play.
Digital Lard: Thanks.
Granville: No offence, mate, but I’m not too impressed by your interview style. You haven’t even mentioned the mini-games yet, and they’re the best bit.
Digital Lard: …
Granville: You see, there are loads of mini-games to play, and not a single duffer in the lot. The usual styles are here (1-On-1, 2 Vs. 2, free for alls and 3 Vs. 1), but the gameplay is a lot more advanced than the Gamecube predecessors. The Remote can be held horizontally, like in racing games, twirled above your head for a lasso game, flung left to right and up and down, all kinds of stuff. All of the mini-games are good, if brief, fun, and are playable outside of the actual board games. Once you’ve unlocked them, of course.
Digital Lard: I was just getting there…
Dotty: Darling, you forgot about the Extras Zone.
Granville: No, I didn’t, you chatty old mare! I was just getting there…
Digital Lard: Me too! The Extras…
Dotty: That’s right, dear. The Extras Zone lets you play exclusive extended mini-games that can be bought with points you earn by completing games. These games let you play as your Mii characters, but they’re fairly weak and uninteresting.
Granville: Yes, I know. There’s also a lot of other stuff you can buy, like different difficulty modes and little statues of the players…
Dotty: But none of them are very interesting.
Granville: Don’t talk over me, you washed-up old plum!
Dotty: Try deciding whether you’re a Cockney or Yankee first!
Digital Lard: Oh, for the love of the Power Glove, shut up! What is the point of this? You ain’t even anything like Mario! I thought this would be great for some cheap Italian accent jokes and stupid stories about Mario pooing his pants at the zoo! But no, you’ve provided absolutely zero comic value. You just argued like the sad, bitter pair of nothings you are!
Dotty: What did you expect? Us to be older versions of our grandchildren? You’ve been watching too many cartoons from the Eighties, mate.
Digital Lard: I know, that’s why I do this job! Look, let’s wrap this up. What do you think about the graphics?
Granville: They’re alright.
Dotty: They’re lovely, but it’s the Wii and so you can’t expect much. Nice, bright colours though, and some impressive realism.
Digital Lard: And the sound?
Granville: Drives me radio rental.
Dotty: Yes. The voices and noises are repetitive and not at all amusing. Music’s nice though.
Digital Lard: Thanks. Brilliant insights. In summary then, what do you think of Mario Party 8?
Dotty: The best of the series, by far. If you’ve never played one before, I recommend you start with this. It’s taken the best bits of the past but thrown away and burnt the majority of the boring bits.
Granville: Sadly though, a lot of the gameplay is still very much down to sheer luck and chance, which might annoy a lot of hardcore gameplayers. But the new level of strategy that Hudson Soft have added to the mix is a beginning point to turn the series from an annoying chance game to a fun, light-hearted but nicely intelligent war game. Like Battleships.
Digital Lard: Definitely worth a shot, then, if you’re looking for something fun to play with mates.
Granville: Yes. Although, I would say that. Mario bought me a house.
Dotty: Magnifico!